EVANGELIZING THE X

 

Evangelization through cells

A few years ago, a well known charismatic Christian leader came to the city where I lived.  During four nights of crusade, I witnessed over 14,000 people go forward to make public confessions for Christ.  It was exciting to see the body come together for such a grand event.  After talking with the pastors of the largest churches in town, not one received a single family as a result of the crusade.  What happened to those who had walked the aisle to receive Christ as their Savior?.....

After months of preparation cumulating into massive crowds and huge altar calls where is the fruit?  The old argument continues, what happens after the crusade and who will disciple those thousands of new Christians?  That is one reason why there has been a rift between the 'evangelist’ and the 'teacher, pastor' types for over a century.

This rift began in the 18th century with the advent of the 'outside' church meeting.  The salvation message was rejected in the traditional church, so the evangelists were forced to take the message to the street.  At that time it was unheard of to have church outside.  The crusades grew from those outside church services.  Some crusades grew enormous and were reported to have had over a million people in one night.  The crusade became a Christian event that rivaled anything the world was capable of producing.  The question then as now was, who would care for the sheep?  Who would disciple the flock?

The commission as set forth by Christ was to make disciples of all nations.  The goal of evangelism is salvation of the lost.  Evangelism is not an end, but a means to that end.  It is a step in the process to fulfilling Jesus' last request, his last command.  The most effective evangelism is always one on one.  The massive crusades, television, radio and print all sow the word, but it is a conversion with a trusted friend that will perform the miraculous.  This doesn't in anyway insinuate that a prayer for salvation is any less real if it is prayed in a crusade or as a result of some form of mass media.  I simply mean to say that when a person passes from spiritual death to spiritual life, it sure is nice to have someone to go through it with you.  The greatest miracle of all is when a lifeless spiritual being, through faith, becomes a new creature.

Cell evangelism is so effective for this very reason; it organizes personal evangelism.  The G-12 cell structure greatly facilitates the organization of personal evangelism because it provides common interest or a contact point from which to talk to people who don't know Jesus.  Since every G-12 cell has a theme or vision, it helps rally people together.

According to information I have been exposed to, and from my personal experience, I would say that one out of every hundred people will attend church after responding to an altar call in a crusade or some form of Christian mass media.  Why such a low number?  Because they don't have any relationships in the church.  Have you noticed that if a person doesn't make a friend within the first few visits to a church, they usually don't return.  The whole church thing has to do with relationships.  The more relationship a person has with people in a church, the greater likelihood that they will stay in church. 

The cell fosters and develops relationships so people feel comfortable about being discipled and thus are more likely to remain in church.  A G-12 cell pulls from two directions - personal contacts and like interest.  Let's take a look at both of these.

Evangelization through Personal Contacts


Personal contacts are people that you have relations with through family and work.  People that you are already in contact with on some kind of regular basis.  These people are always the easiest to reach because they are people that have a relationship with you; they already know you and trust you.  Every time someone comes to Jesus there is a whole little community that is affected by that salvation.  The testimony of one sinner coming to Jesus has the potential of affecting several hundred people.

According to funeral homes and restaurants, each person has the ability to affect a large amount of people.  The Restaurant Association of America says that one bad meal can affect as many as 2500 patrons.  Why?  The patron who received the bad meal will tell someone, who in turn will tell someone else until the story has reached out into the community.  Word of mouth has always been the best, or in some cases the worst, advertisement; indeed it has been known to either make or break a new enterprise.  I hope you can begin to see how powerful the cell concept is when it comes to affecting large numbers of people.

If word of mouth can work that way in offense, why can't it work that way for good?  Well, it can.  Imagine this, a man through a friend is invited to a cell group meeting.  While at this meeting he receives Jesus as his Lord and Savior.  Within a few weeks that man's life starts to make some major changes.  He feels a need to be more sensitive to the needs of his wife and children.  Selfish habits start to fade away in favor of acts on behalf of others.  Vices or carnal desires start to give way to a greater need to attend church and get to know God better.  He begins to get control over undesirable things in his life.  As a result of all of this, those close to the man want to know what is going on in his life.  Indeed, they begin to wonder if they might be changed for the better like him.  Every time a person receives Jesus through this man's testimony, the process starts all over again.

Witnessing becomes the starting point for evangelism.  We are living epistles or living testimonies of Christ.  People start asking us what we have because they see something in us they need and want.  Evangelism is not knocking someone in the head with the Bible; on the contrary, it is sharing with a person that is asking you how they might also be changed.  It's natural, easy and fun.  Once a person gets experience at talking with those around him, they usually get confident enough to begin witnessing to others in their life.

While it is true that this witnessing process goes on in regular, non cell churches, it is also true that gaining entry into these churches is tougher.  Why?  Because the traditional church has a hard shell making penetration into the church more difficult.  No, it is not actually more difficult to walk into a traditional church building, but it is more difficult to find your place in the society of the church.  Weaving through the maze of special interest groups and little clicks can be quite a chore.

That is why after all the crusades, special events, and advertising so few are actually added to the body of Christ.  After a giant crusade and thousands of dollars spent, a new couple attends church for the first time only to drop out a month later because they didn't make any friends.  So you see, the size of the church is not really the issue; it's the openness and friendliness that counts.  Unfortunately, the friendliest church in the world cannot achieve it's goals if the hand shake at the front door is not followed up by an invitation to a home.


A cell church, on the other hand, has a low threshold of entry.  The soft spot is the home meetings; a house environment is less intimidating.  Again I reiterate, the number one reason why new people drop out of church is because they don't have relationships.  I cannot begin to stress the importance of relationships enough; they are imperative not only to new growth but to continuing church attendance and participation.  Without relationships, the newcomer grows cold and eventually drops out, ending up with a less than positive church experience.

Now instead of that couple reaching their community for Christ, they become a statistic of the traditional church structure.   According to the statistics, that happens to 99 out of 100 people.
The church's answer to that problem is spend more money instead of a superior strategy.  According to recent information by the Baptists, in the United States it cost $1500 for each person that responds to the gospel.  Why?  Only one out of a hundred stick to witness to their friends.  This type of evangelism borders on insanity and at the very least bad stewardship.

I used to be a marketing director for what some would consider a large successful church that spent millions in advertizing.  The Television budget alone was monstrous.  With all of that exposure, giant Christian events and a multimillion dollar sanctuary, they were unable to hold onto the people.  It seemed like no matter how many people came in the front door almost as many or more would leave.  While holding that title, I conducted a little survey on our first time visitors.  Ten percent said that they attended the church for the first time because of what they had seen on television.  Five percent attributed it to other things such as radio, billboards and direct mail.  An overwhelming 85% said it was because someone had asked them to attend.  Where would you put your money - in the 10% return, the 5% return, or the 85% return? 

People and relationships are where the emphasis should be.  This is why the cell church is superior in retaining souls and multiplying.  The cell church puts the most emphasis on building relationships.  These positive relationships in turn spawn more positive relationships as the cell church grows.  Ask any marketing executive or advertising agent about 'word of mouth' advertising.  It is the single most powerful tool in advertising.  If a product can become what's called a household name, it will be successful. 

Look what the Charmen bathroom tissue commercial did.  Before long, due to a successful advertising campaign, people all over the country were talking about 'squeezing the Charmen".  This same principle works with evangelism.  Once people start talking about Jesus spontaneously to their friends and inviting them to their cell group or church - that is equal to thousands of dollars spent on advertising.  The end result is souls; more souls per dollars spent.  Instead of one out of a hundred sticking, it increases to a phenomenal one out of two.  Fifty percent is so much stronger than the traditional 1%.

Incredible as it seems, traditional churches put their money on the things that get the smallest return.  Are they going for souls or prestige?  Is the goal making the pastor's name a 'household word" or the name of Jesus?  What is the motivation?  Is it a television program or church growth?  Is it fame or winning the lost?  As a pastor, the answers to these question confirmed that cell evangelism is the only way to go.  Why spend $1500 per salvation when the same $1500, delivered through cells, breaks down to only $30 a soul.  Instead of invitations coming through the television, radio or the newspaper, it comes from a friend.  Stranger evangelism is just too costly and ineffective to justify its continued utilization by the church.  That is why the cell revolution is taking over.  It's not only a better, more effective, less costly way to win souls but it is also the way Jesus evangelized.

Evangelization through Like Interest

Every G-12 cell has a central point of interest for various reasons - for direction, motivation and evangelization.  The G-12 cell is a tremendous aid to evangelism because it has the potential of attracting people completely outside Christian circle, people who's family and friends have no religious heritage.  Cell vision has the ability to draw in the unchurched that would never be reached in any other way.

In the church where I pastor, I try to help leaders choose positive visions based on victory verses negative visions.  For example, instead of calling a group's vision a divorcees group - it is a 'singles' group.  Instead of having a group for cancer survivors, you have a group of intercessors or for hospitalization visitation.  Practically speaking, if a person believing for healing joins a group that visits hospitals or intercedes for the sick, it is more effective than if they join a group believing for healing themselves. 

What happens when they get healed?  Do they leave their friends and the group?  The same goes for other groups.  Instead of a 'singles mom' group you could have a parents group.  That way when one of the mothers gets married, they can still stay in the same group.  Always keep the group's visions positive if it is possible.  I know there are exceptions, but look how powerful it is to belong to a positive group instead of a 'need' group.

From the point of evangelism, it is also important that the cell focus never compromise righteousness or integrity.  To make an exaggerated point, a group's vision would not be an international beer club or a satanic rock group because it would reach out to unreached groups.
Although Jesus is always the focus, having a cell vision unarms a person.  It helps lower defenses so that they might receive.  A cell vision establishes a common interest upon which to establish a reason to communicate until the greater reason - Jesus can emerge.

In my younger days, just the word Jesus was enough to totally intimidate me.  I believe that's why there are so many names for God.  The man upstairs, is not really a proper definition of God, but people without a personal relationship with God find it  intimidating to speak directly about the Father, Son or Holy Ghost.

Reaching people outside your circle of friends or work acquaintances is a little different than reaching people through like interest.  All like interest really does is provide a platform for friendship.  Talking to a stranger about a common interest develops an interest in one another, which in turn develops into friendship.  It all gets down to fellowship and personal relations.

Follow-Up


The goal of all follow-up is the same - discipleship.  Evangelism involves bringing a lost person to Christ.  Follow-up involves bringing them to church.  Discipleship involves training that person to be successful at evangelism and follow up.  Evangelism is the process to get a person to attend the cell or church the first time after the follow-up process begins.  It doesn't necessarily involve praying a prayer of salvation with a person.  If you can get them in church, the Word of God will bring them to a decision.  People being followed up can be broken down into three categories.  The non-churched, which usually means the lost, people looking for another church and those involved in cults.

Even though the follow-up process can begin in different locations, it needs to begin with the same information.  It doesn't, however, have to be something requiring huge bureaucratic maneuvers.  Once a person makes a single visit to either a church or a cell, information should be gathered on them.  A simple card requesting sufficient information so that the person may be contacted, preferably at home, will do quite nicely.  This 'information card' should be given to the cell leaders still developing their groups into consolidation.  If the first visit is to a cell group, however, this step need not happen.  Once the information card is in the hand of the cell leader, an intense follow-up should be set in motion.  It is critical to contact the person or family that visited as soon as possible after their visit.  Many choose to call the same or following day in addition to sending a personal letter thanking them and inviting them to return.  The challenge is letting that person know that he or she is special to God and your church without pestering or annoying them.  Because of self condemnation, guilt and fear, a kind letter of invitation or a friendly call can be perceived as pushy.

The real key to follow-up is knowing just how hard to push.  That is why a cell group encounter has a greater advantage than a church service because it gives leadership greater insight into the character and personality of the person being followed up.

Follow up or tracking new converts is a little different for friends and family than it is for following up people that come in because of common interest.  When our friends or acquaintances are drawn into the church, follow-up is a natural.  We are already in regular communication with friends and after all, that is all follow up is - communication, motivation, and encouragement.

Follow up with a new acquaintance based on a common interest, however, involves more dedication and energy.  The wonderful excuse is the common interest.  The Jesus connection, especially for the un-churched, is many times too intense for most people.  A conversation about computers or children followed by a gentle reminder about this weeks meeting is much more comfortable for most people.

Another delicate contact is when a person commits to attending a meeting, especially a cell meeting and doesn't show up.  That almost always requires a personal visit.  A definite 'no-no' is to ask where they were.  That is a very confrontational question.  If someone committed to attend a meeting then he or she knows why you are paying them a visit; you don't need to compound the guilt or condemnation by asking hard questions.


So what do you do in a situation like this.  Initiate a light conversation, one in which you casually bring up how the meeting went and what it did for you personally; this will go much further than condemnation.  A personal visit will go a long way in establishing trust and friendship to a person on the 'outside' of Christendom.  Anybody not in Christ is hurting and needs help.  Many are so lost they don't know where to start.  A new Christian friend is an entrance to a new world of hope.  Fears and anxieties keep people from fulfilling their commitments.  Reinforcing hope and love will do more to establish someone in discipleship than condemnation.  That is the very reason they never went to church in the first place.

Another caution is apostatizing.  There are many reasons why people look around for another church.  In my experience, program based church goers experiment with a visit to a cell church looking for fellowship and greater fulfillment in their Christian walk.  This group is the most unique and the most difficult.  They are definitely not the target group for various reasons.  They arrive with all kinds of baggage requiring lots of counseling and love.  Since people don't usually  leave a church if they are fulfilled and content, taking in people from other churches usually means taking in hurting, offended people.  Unlike the new converts, they have been hurt by the very institution that they went to for help.  The 'coming from another church' group is the easiest, however, to follow-up because they have already made a commitment.  The real work with that group starts with discipleship.  A strong orientation about how cells  work and the vision of the church are critical to successful conversion of people coming in from other churches.

Lastly, people coming out of a cult form the third group.  Many times people involved in cults are sincere about serving God but they have been deceived.  The fact that they attended any meeting or service beyond their own, means there has been a significant break through.  It is also a very fearful time breaking out of a cult like the Jehovah Witness, Mormons, Bahia, Satanism and witchcraft to name a few.  Separation often involves persecution from the cult directed to those desiring to leave.  Sheltering victims of cults and the occult requires much more information than this book is giving.  It should suffice to say that anyone coming out of a cult needs special attention and aggressive follow-up.

Once the follow-up process is started, it is very important that it be followed through to its completion.  Completion of the follow-up process means that the person is discipleship in the cell or regularly attending church.  Until one of these two things occur, follow-up should be continued.  After following up on someone for more than two months without any success usually means “don’t bother me any more.”  Follow-up on those from cults could go on longer while those from other churches much shorter.  The goal is not to shift sheep but to save the lost.

In Summery

Evangelization through cells is many times more successful than using the same budget in mass media.  If the church is behind the cell leadership, financing their effort in evangelism, I promise the church will grow and more people will stick.


How to Develop Successful Relationships within the Cell

 Relationships are the essence of the quality of our lives.  Whether we are single, married, divorced, widowed, or somewhere in between, our relationships and friendships form the backbone which gives meaning to our lives.  Moms, dads, brothers, sisters, friends, co-workers, teachers, students, bosses, roommates, employees, teammates - all are people with whom we have relationships.   In every case, problems are their middle name.  There has never been, nor ever will  be, a relationship free of challenges. 

How do we cope with relationship problems?  Volumes have been written on this subject.  Since the days of Adam and Eve, human beings have been trying to gain some insight into how we can improve our relationships.  And since with Adam and Eve, we've definitely had a tough time of it.  If you are married, have children, or work you have relational challenges.

Troubled relationships are not limited to those between human beings.  After they sinned it in the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve had great difficulty in their relationship with God.  In Genesis 3:9, God's first question to man was, "Adam, why are you hiding?"  When God asked Adam the critical question about whether he had eaten forbidden fruit from the tree, Adam admitted that he had but put the blame on Eve.  Eve also made excuses for eating the fruit.  Since that day, relationships between people, as well as between people and God, have been troubled.

Why all the trouble in relationships?  Part of the problem is that we humans are so wonderfully complex.  Not only do we have trillions of cells fusing into a biochemical matrix called flesh, we are also spiritual beings formed into the likeness of an enormously complex God.  No saint has ever had a neat little life.  The apostles Peter and Paul had relationship problems and so did many other people in the Bible.  Everybody needs help to have better relationships.

What I want to accomplish in this chapter is a look at  the basics when it comes to relations within a cell group setting.  Here are four simple ideas to consider when wrestling with relational problems.

First, most of us spend much of our time responding or reacting to problems in a relationship rather than finding out what the problem really is so that we can creatively work toward some resolution.  Another way we handle problems is to talk about them or gossip and complain instead of working in love to solve the problem.

Second, when describing a relational problem, think of that problem in the form of verbs rather than nouns.  In other words, don't just say that he or she is a klutz; that only labels the person and makes problem solving more difficult.  Instead, define the actions of that person, exactly what it is, that bothers you.

Third, beware of either/or categories.  Saying, so and so is either stupid or a fool does no one ant good.  We want to be 'right' so badly that we lose the ability to solve the problem.  A win/lose situation usually means that both parties will eventually lose.


Fourth, each of us is 100 percent responsible for all of our  relational difficulties.  This may seem like a shocking thing to say; nevertheless, it's true.  I found this principle shocking myself the first time I heard it.  A friend of mine and his wife were going through great difficulties, which eventually led to a divorce.  I was spending much time with my friend trying to listen and help him.  My wife shocked me by saying, "that man will never even begin to solve his problems with his wife until he realizes that it is 100 percent his fault."  I quickly came to his defense spouting the wife's problem areas.  At that my wife informed me that the wife is also 100 percent responsible for the relationship.

Too often we think our relationships are percentages such as 50/50 or 60/40 or even 70/30; in reality, however, the mathematics of relationships are really 100/100.  Going halfway has never been God's solution for a relationship.  Each of us is totally responsible for the relationship because the only person that you can ever change is yourself.  If you want to help your spouse, child, friend, or whomever, then work on the problems rather than the symptoms.  Recognize again and again that the only person you have the real power to change is yourself.  Nothing is a greater obstacle to being in good relationships with others than being ill at ease with yourself.  When you want more passion in your life, more zest, put more into yourself and your relationship with God.  If you rely solely on others to provide your life's passion, you'll usually end up frustrated.

Self-love is a concept too often confused with vanity and pride.   We think it's selfish to love ourselves, when in reality it is selfish not to.  When we don't love ourselves we take from others in order to fill our own emptiness.  It is important to realize that the better you feel about yourself, the better you'll feel about your relationships.  All of our relationships with people begin with our relationship with God.  Christ has shown Himself among us.  God has made His dwelling place within us.  And this is what sets us free to love each other.  Unfortunately, we often expect the world or others to provide us with the kind of peace, security and love which only comes from the Kingdom of God dwelling within us.

Realize the Importance of Relationships

In the Chinese language, whole words are written with a symbol.  Often two completely different symbols put together have a meaning quite different than either of their two separate components.  For example, the symbols for "man" and for "woman" when combined mean "good."  Likewise, when you take the symbol for "trouble" and "gathering crisis" and put them together, they mean "opportunity."   As the answers to life always lie in the questions, so the opportunities of life lie in our problems.

Some people have strong, loving relationships with people around them who support and enhance their lives.  They are excited to discover more about relational situations to further enhance the relationships they already have.  Others are in situations where their lines of communication may have broken down into some of the most important relationships of their lives, such a within their families.  I must confess that at times I have been totally overwhelmed with relational problems.  If we're honest, we probably all have been.  While relationships add great richness to our lives, they can also add great pain.  Within relationships exist some of life's most complex and most painful problems.

 I actually heard a pastor once begin a sermon by saying, As it says in Genesis, God said, “Let there be light and there was light, and God said it was good.  And God said, let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place and let the dry land appear.  And it was so, and it was good.  And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heavens to separate day from night, and it was so.  God said that it was good.  And God said, let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures and let the birds fly across the earth and across the firmament of the heavens. And God saw this and said it was good.  And God said, Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kind.  And it was so, and God said it was good.  And finally, God made man in His image and He said, It is not good.”  The pastor paused, and I sat there somewhat confused.  He'd done a good job enticing me.  He finally said, as it says in Genesis 2:18, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." (RSV)

I said all that to say this, we were designed for relationships.  We were made to be with each other, to grow with each other, to discover each other, and to love each other.  However, it's not quite as simple as that.  We must forge our relationships together.  It takes great effort and care to enjoy good relations.  In order to have these good relations, we must be good at solving our problems with each other.  In this light, I would like to offer a few suggestions.

Don't Blame

The only person I cannot help is one who blames others.  When we blame others, we make it difficult, if not impossible, to solve our problems.  When problems invade our lives, and they inevitably do, we must resist the temptation to accuse others, as well as blame ourselves and/or God.  Focus on the problem, not the person.  Figure out the problem.  If there have been failures, we have to confess them in ourselves and forgive them in others.  Put the problem in perspective and get on with problem solving.

Protect or Learn

Conflict doesn't cause problems in relationships, instead problems evolve from how we respond to conflict.  When faced with conflict, we can choose to respond in two ways, either protect or learn.  We must ask ourselves if we're trying to defend and protect ourselves, or if we're trying to learn from our experiences.  Seeing conflict as opportunity rather than calamity puts it into a new light.

You may think this sound ridiculous, if not impossible, but we must face emotional pain willingly.  Yes, this does make sense.  If we stop putting the blame on others and assume responsibility for our own lives, change becomes possible.  Our relational problem solving will always be unsuccessful as long as our primary interest is protective.  Problems will be solved and we will be changed if we commit ourselves to openness and learning.

Deal with Real Issues

The Western world has been programmed very narrowly.  Define problems, seek solutions, set goals, make decisions, fix things.  Fix your spouse, children, or yourself.  When we see something we don't like, we judge it and want to change it rather than understand it.  We look for immediate solutions instead of seeking to understand how and why the problem arose.

It is because of this that most problems never really get solved; they are never accepted.  Although hiding from problems is easier than facing them, avoidance never solved anything.  There is no such thing as an "appropriate" time in relational problems.  Deal with your problem now - don't wait.  The Bible says not to let the sun go down on your anger.  We must recognize when we have a problem and find the first available moment to discuss it while it is still in its proper proportion.  Leftover problems, like leftover meatloaf, not only grow stale but also begin to mold.  The best technique I know for doing this, and heading off some of the problems before they get blown way out of proportion, is to spend time with the person(s) involved talking about your feelings and the current issues.

Listen

Love is a four letter word spelled t-i-m-e.  The way you show someone you care for them is to spend time with them and listen deeply to them.  One of the best ways to demonstrate God's love is to listen to people.  Listening is the key to quality cell leadership.  People feel good when someone listens to them.  I promise that everyone that feels like they got "heard' will feel satisfied after the meeting and they will look forward to coming to the cell meeting again the following week.  That is exactly why a cell group meeting is not a Bible study; it is not a time for the leader to speak, but to listen.  A good leader encourages others to speak so that they might feel satisfied and fulfilled.

Communication is the key to success.  Look at the following scene from the comic strip "Peanuts."

Lucy shouts at Linus, "You blockhead!"
       Linus counters, "Why did you call me a dumbbell?"
"I didn't say dumbbell, I said blockhead," Lucy replies.  With chin in hand, elbows
resting on top of the wall, Lucy says to herself, "That's what causes so much trouble
between people today, there is no real understanding." 

The word communication comes from the Latin root communus, meaning to have something in common.  Communication breaks down most often as a result of our inability to listen.  According to a 1981 U.S. News & World Report study, the single biggest reason couples split up is the "inability to talk honestly with each other, to bare their souls, and to treat each others as their best friend."

Listening, surprisingly, is the most important aspect of communication.  Professor H.W. Jurgen, a West German sociologist, claims that couples chat with each other for seventy minutes a day in their first year of marriage, dropping to thirty minutes a day in their second year and then to only fifteen minutes in the fourth.  His research show that by the eighth year, a husband and wife share hardly any small talk at all and become nearly silent.

Shocking?  Not really, when you consider the findings of American scientific professor Ray Birdwhitsell.  His studies show that American couples talk with each other for only 27 ½ minutes a week.  That's a daily ration of less than four minutes a day.


Communication, however, involves much more than words.  One authority said that only 7 percent of our communication involves spoken word, another 38 percent is conveyed by body language including gestures and facial expressions, and 55 percent by the tone of our voice.

Listening is perhaps the most profound way you demonstrate to others that you love them.  Strangely enough, listening is perhaps the most potent way we can affect another life. It is impossible to overemphasize the immense need humans have to be really listened to, to be taken seriously, to be understood.  No one can develop freely in this world and find fulling life without feeling understood by at least one person.  Listen to all conversations of our world, between nations as well as between couples.  They are for the most part dialogues of  the deaf.

The most important thing we can do to solve a problem is understand it.  Unfortunately, we never listen long enough to understand what the problem really is, so we in turn are never able to solve it.  Instead of listening, we simply take turns talking.  To listen effectively, postpone your desire to react, defend, or respond.  The purpose of listening is to allow both of you to understand the situation more fully.  Listening attentively make people feel special.

The people I work with find it extremely helpful to get firm, concrete answers from their partners to these three questions:

1.  What does it mean to you to be loved?
2.  What does it take for you to feel loved?
3.  What are you asking of me in this regard?

This then reveals seven levels of needs that people have to have in order to be loved.

1.  Feeling safe
2.  Feeling defended
3.  Feeling supported
4.  Belonging
5.  Feel cared about
6.  Feeling accepted
7.  Feeling "accepted"

If it works with your spouse, it will work in a cell setting.  Everybody wants to be loved.  I believe that nothing makes people feel supported, cared about, accepted, and special as much as listening to them.  Active listening is responsive, attentive, considerate.,  It means listening with you eyes as well as your ears.  When someone really listens to us, it gives us the freedom to continue to explore, at deeper levels, who we are and what the problem is.  Love is best demonstrated by attentive listening.

Design Creative Questions

We can cultivate our listening ability by designing and asking appropriate questions.  For example:

-What dreams have you thrown away, or kept secret, because no one encouraged you to     try it or you feared you would fail?
-If you could do anything in the world and be certain of success, what would you do?
-In what three specific ways could we improve our everyday communication?  Where     are we strong in our communicating?  Where do we hit snags?

In the cell group these types of questions are called ice breakers.  Questions that stimulate people to start talking and others to start listening.  The list of good questions is endless.  All we need to ask are questions that deepen our relationships.  Really good questions are those in which both people discover something about themselves.

Seven-Step Process

Another thing we can do is to apply an objective process to our relational problems.  Here are seven steps to overcoming relational problems.

1.  Accept ownership of the problem.  Even if you believe that the other person is at fault, if you care about the relationship, it is still your problem.  Once you accept ownership of the problem you will be willing to commit your time and energies to solving it.

2.  Analyze the problem.  Take the problem apart and identify its various components.  Often this means untangling numerous problems so that you can focus on them one at a time.  This is a good time to ask "dumb questions" to challenge you assumptions, to keep a broad prospective, and to avoid getting emotionally hooked.

3.  Define the problem in  the best terms you know.  Develop a workable definition that all parties can agree to and write it down.  It is critical here to separate the symptoms from the real cause of the problem.   Remember, the flip side of criticism is idealism.  If somebody is struggling with being too cynical, that's the symptom, they need to wrestle with the problem, which is their hidden idealism.  In other words, you don't try to help the person become less cynical, but help him to be more realistic - that's working on the core of the problem.  Likewise, anger and apathy are expressions of frustration; frustration begets anger, anger begets apathy.  Instead of reacting to anger or apathy, listen to his or her frustration.

4.  Brainstorm.  What are all the possible solutions that could be employed at this time?  Any time you can 'make-it-fun", you will improve not only the quantity of ideas, but the quality as well.  Take this opportunity to listen deeply to others.  Sometimes we have to take a risk and suggest outrageous ideas.  If you want change, you must be willing to think sideways, backward, around corners, and upside-down.  Limiting yourself to your regular patterns of thinking restricts you to seeing what you've always see before with little chance for change or improvement in your problem solving.

5.  Select a course of action to which everybody involved can commit.  It is important to be able to articulate clearly why you believe this is the best selection.  If you know why this is the best plan, you will be much less likely to abandon it when the way becomes difficult.

6.  Implement.  You've planned your work, now work you plan.  Work lovingly,  there is great joy in a well-built relationship.  Remember to tap the resources of the Master.  To do this, bathe your work in prayer.

7.  Evaluate.  This is another chance to learn from your problem, even if you weren't successful in solving it.  What you learn and how you learn it will allow you to move into deeper levels of mutual understanding and appreciation.

Relational problems are process oriented.  We will always be in process, but I hope that some of these techniques will enable you to gain greater definition of your problem and to find healthy, loving solutions.  Not all of these techniques are recommended, however, for the cell group setting.  Some of the processes given here for problem solving are best done privately between parties involved, remembering of course that singles of different sexes need to bring a friend along.

In the heat of conflict, it is easy to forget the goals of your relationship.  Wanting to be right is easier than wanting to be understood.  These principle of relational problem solving won't help you build defenses, but they will help you to attack the problem and not the person.  You cannot afford to neglect the incredible power of love.  Remember that God is love and that he who dwells in love, dwells in God and God in him.  This love makes us fearless, and where there is no fear there is true understanding. 

The power of God's love will never be contained nor understood.  It is available to all and can literally produce miracles in relationships.  Love is by far the most important of all.  It casts out fear.  It covers a multitude of sin.  Love is absolutely invincible.  There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer, no disease that enough love cannot heal, no door that enough love will not open.  No gulf that enough love will not bridge, no wall that enough love will no throw down, no sin that enough love will not open.  No gulf that enough love will not bridge, no wall that enough love will not throw down, no sin that enough love will not redeem.  It makes no difference how deep the trouble, how helpless the outlook, how muddled the tangle, how great the mistake; sufficient love will dissolve it all.  I believe that when we put God, who is Love, in the center of our relationships, He can transform them.  He empowers us to influence each other's lives.

 The reason for the cell group, after all, is to better express the love of God, not to have a bigger church!  A cell setting expresses the love of God better than a church setting because it provides an opportunity for people to be heard instead of only listening to someone else.

The key to any great relationship is attentive listening.